I Finally Laid on my Back

This story is a departure from the series that begins with "He Laid the Sweetest Trap." The Sweetest Trap series details the Lord's hand on my life in general and how He rescued me from Death--physical, spiritual, mental and emotional. It is our love story. Inter-weaved throughout that love story are smaller details, little instances of love and grace that enhance our story, but make it really drawn out. This story is important, but it is great enough to stand alone. If you have gone through anything similar, know that you are not alone. I was telling this to my friend earlier this evening, and I realized that it is validated not by my own personal success or notoriety or anything but the fact that I am a human being who experienced something that affected me greatly and shaped my beliefs and my life. That is all the validation that is really needed for anyone to share their story. So...here it is:

It took a lot to get me to lay on my back. It was a terrifying journey, actually. I had recently rededicated my life to the Lord, and He was taking me on this amazing ride that was full of new revelation, joy and hope. I was seeing life with brand new eyes, and it was glorious! I was so excited to be living as a new creation in Christ. The old me was dying, and the new me was breathing its first breaths. One thing that wasn't new to me exactly (I did grow up in a more or less Pentecostal home) but which I was definitely experiencing in a new way (with this new found spiritual authority), was the world of the unseen.

The spiritual world (or realm, or whatever you want to call it. You know, demons and stuff.) I had a few run ins with some scary stuff that I had never witnessed before, things that were much like a horror flick and would probably scare the bigeebees out of anyone. The thing is, I was getting the bigeebess scared out of me. How can I really explain this in a concise and clear way? I was becoming acquainted with demonic attack which was designed to convince me to go back to my old life, and leave the new one and all this scary spiritual stuff to the professionals and the truly devout. It was really scary...mostly because the spirit of fear was so heavy on me (yes, I had a demon stalker...lucky me), that I was irrationally freaked out every single night to the point I almost completely stopped sleeping. After a few months of spiritual and mental torment I got to the point where I was straight up paranoid that I was going to be locked up in a loony bin because I was going nuts. This is how it evolved (or should I say I dissolved) into a state of complete and constant terror:

With my new found Christianity, I was bringing God into my household. My household had non-Christians in it, and I noticed that the atmosphere felt different. I started feeling strange when I was at home. Not as comfortable and at peace as usual. My family treated me well for the most part (although I noticed that even they were getting irritated with me a lot quicker, and I wasn't preaching to them or anything, I was being the same as always.) Then things got worse. It started out at night. It felt like something really heavy was sitting on my chest. My chest felt like it was going to cave in, and it was hard to breathe. I would move and switch positions, toss and turn, and whenever I moved I would feel relief, and lightness, but after a few seconds, there it was again, pressing on me like crazy. Of course I came up with all sorts of logical explanations, medical reasons, anxiety, I'm sure you might even be thinking of a few. However, each one of those logical reasons was eliminated as I researched them further during the day times. The heaviness was also accompanied by very vivid and horrifying pictures that would flash through my mind and the feeling of fear would come swiftly and heavily on me and terror would rise up into my throat and constrict it so nothing could come out. I would be in a sweat and wrap the covers around me like a cocoon, pulled up to my chin, and lay in the fetal position on my bed and it would take a long time to fall asleep. When I finally did fall asleep, my sleep would be interrupted all night by terrifying nightmares that would jolt me awake. As soon as my eyes would fly open, that weight would be back, and I would feel the body heat of a person standing next to my bed right up in my face even though nothing was there. I was afraid that the enemy which had a hold on my family was trying to get me out of there because I might win them to Christ and away from hell!

As time went on, my nights became worse and worse. To the above, add a mental attack. Not only would I receive horrible picture flashes in my head, I started hearing ridiculous amounts of swearing and blasphemies against God. Evil, sickening thoughts would come to mind that would shame me even though no one could hear them. My mind was so loud I was tempted to cover my ears to shut out the noise, but it wasn't possible. I thanked God and was relieved whenever the sun came up. I had heard, and therefore had this strange notion, that from midnight to 3AM in the morning, the devil has all authority and power and can mess with us and there is a lot of demonic activity. I won't say there isn't more demonic activity, I don't know, but I do know that I no longer believe that the devil has all authority and power EVER. Never, because God is the Creator of all! Anyway, this notion made me think that after 3, I was safe. But the terror would continue usually until the sun came up. At sunup I would breathe a sigh of relief and I basically took to sleeping in the day whenever I could to get rest.

This lasted a month or so, and then the unthinkable happened. Fear began to follow me in the daytime too. I was so upset. I felt like the enemy was cheating. I was supposed to be safe in the day time, it was the night that was scary, not the day. But no longer. Now I was being full-on attacked all of the time. At this time I started to really go crazy. There was no rest for me. No peace. None. No sanctuary of any kind. The closest I came was when I was with friends, and people who were spiritually strong Christians, but even those times had an undertone of fear and tension. I was constantly on the verge of tears, and I was approaching complete exhaustion (like the kind you get hospitalized for). I never wanted to be alone (which is weird for me, because I cherish my alone time), and I started begging my friends to let me stay with them, and stay away from my house (which was were things got really bad.) One couple allowed me to stay at their house and I was so excited that I would get really good rest because the heads of that household had spiritual authority, and therefore the enemy couldn't touch me there. I was wrong. I woke the lady of the house up because I was screaming in my sleep from one of the most vivid and petrifying nightmares of my life (and if you ever read some of my old journals, you would know that in my younger days I had some pretty horrific nightmares. The Saw movies aint got nothin' on them. If you don't know what the Saw movies are, don't find out. Please. It is for your own peace of mind and heart.) Anyway. I realized then that I could not escape this horrible torment I was going through.

When I started hearing whispers and feeling slippery things curl around my legs, and felt the wobble and weight of things get on my mattress and lie down next to me I was at my wit's end. I was over the edge and into the thick of terror by this point. I couldn't tell anyone because I just knew that if I did, some men in scrubs were going to fit me with a straight jacket and lock me up for good. That was one of my worst fears. In desperation (and I do not use that word lightly) I began to tell everyone I knew who was a strong Christian my plight, I stopped caring if they would reject me or not, and I begged for advice. I had tried to go to the Lord, but I couldn't hear Him, and I hoped that maybe they could. I knew if things kept on the way they were, I was going to crash and burn in the worst way. I got lots and lots of advice. I did everything I was told to, and nothing worked at all. When I reported the failures, I was treated as if there must be something wrong with me. I must be just imagining things or over-exaggerating. Yes, I want to say to them now, I was imagining all this terror because it is a lot of fun to be literally scared out of your mind and on the verge of a complete nervous break down. How about no.

One piece of advice that worked for a few days, and which is a very good method now to deal with the spirit of fear, was to ignore fear. Now, it didn't continue to work for me at that time for a reason, which I will explain later, but for now I will tell you about where that logic came from and why it works for me now. The spirit of fear's job is not to scare you. Sounds wrong, right? But listen--the job of the spirit of fear is to distract you from looking to the Lord. From looking at the Lord. Think about it: the things that we fear the most, or we fear at any given moment, are the things that are magnified in our perception and take up the most of our attention. That is why we are not to worry. Worry is a form of fear. If we were on some tracks and a train was coming straight at us and we couldn't move, but God was right by us and kept saying to us, "Look at me," how hard would it be to not stare at that train? So, yeah, when fear comes in (whether the fear seems logical or irrational and inexplicable), ignore it. That way it can't do it's job and it might try harder for a day or two, but it will eventually give up and move on. Keep your eyes on the Lord and the power of God!

So...yeah, I tried that method and it worked for a while, but God allowed fear to prevail because He loves me. Sounds crazy right? I will explain, just bear with me. I was in the backseat of my best friend's car and she and her boyfriend, my other best friend, were in the front seats looking at me in the rear view mirror. I was sobbing because I was so afraid to go into my house, and they had never seen me weep. They were quite touched by my tears, but even though I begged them to take me in, they lived with their parents, and would not defy their parents to let me stay with them. I think I also scared them, because I myself was terrified for seemingly no reason. When I finally gave up that they would cave in, I felt totally betrayed by them. Fear creeped up cold and black and choked me as I started to get out of the car. I sobbed and turned to the Lord for help because I didn't know what to do. I couldn't escape, but I didn't want to endure the terror of the night. I was afraid that things would really get out of hand more than they already had. But finally I heard the Lord. It was a strong impression, not an audio experience, but I was reminded of something I had heard in church, which was to give everything up to the Lord. The battle is the Lord's, the Bible says, and He urged me to give it to Him. I did so with hope that He would rescue me, and as soon as my foot hit the front porch step, fear completely lifted, and joy and peace filled my heart and mind. I entered the house, and I felt the presence of evil, but it could not come close to me, it could not penetrate this bubble of God's making. Until I got in my room. My room, which was supposed to be my sanctuary. My room, which I anointed and prayed over every day and night. My room, which was "exorcised" every time I was in it. As soon as I stepped into my room, all that evil that I had felt and all that terror which had slowly built up over a period of months descended on me like piranhas on a leg of bloody meat. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried out in utter anguish and I was angry with God and bewildered. Why would He give me peace for the three seconds is took to walk from the porch to my room, and then take it away?

There is a reason, I assure you. I was in a state of terror again, but in my anger, I determined that I was going to get some sleep no matter what. I tried my best to ignore everything, and changed into my pajamas. The weight was on my chest, crushing me, but I just breathed deep breaths. I laid down on my bed, and felt the bed begin to shake, and I felt something get up next to me. I turned my back on it and curled up on my side in the fetal position. I saw images in my mind of horrible things standing next to me, slithering onto me from the foot of my bed. I heard horrible swearing and blasphemies in my head. I felt feathery touches on my face and I kept the light on, and closed my eyes tight and kept my belly, my innards, my vulnerable areas safe. You know, like an animal does. An animal, when sensing a predator, will protect it's stomach, it's softest and most vulnerable area. A fetus does the same thing, AKA the fetal position. There were predators all around me, even on me, but I was going to keep my innards safe, and it was a totally natural response. Then the Lord, through all the chaos in my mind and heart (and I believe, in my room--if I could hear in the spiritual for real, I think I would have really flipped out), spoke to me. He told me (once again in a strong impression, not audibly) that I needed to trust Him. He revealed to me that I did not really trust Him at all, even though I thought that I did. He wanted me to trust Him with everything, especially life and well-being.

I knew what I had to do, and nothing let up because I had that revelation. I was still scared out of my wits, but I knew that I had a choice. I was at a spiritual cross roads. I had to choose God or not. I could not have God and not trust Him. If I rejected God and said, "No I won't trust You," the demons would 'leave me alone' but I would also still be in bondage, and they would actually have me right where they wanted me--not truly a Christian, just a poser. But, if I said, "Yes God, I will trust You," I wouldn't really know what would happen. I didn't really know if He would rescue me. I didn't trust Him to. At that cross roads, it was all or nothing, and I chose all. I chose to trust Him. It was an act of free will, not a feeling. I had to prove to Him and myself that I trusted Him, and I knew the perfect way to do it. I couldn't just relax my body and fall asleep, I had to really put myself out there, and with all the fear and terror and horrible images and physical manifestations and blah blah blah, the scariest thing for me to do was to lay on my back. If I laid on my back, I would be totally exposed. The evil in my room would have full access to my body, and in a way, my mind. I would be like standing spread eagle in front of the Lord with the oncoming train bearing down on you.

I laid on my back; I put my hands behind my head so even my armpits were exposed and I said to God, "Okay Lord, I am going to trust You, so if anything happens to me, it's Your fault." Can you believe I said that to God? That night I got the best sleep I had had in many many months. I had no nightmares, no interruptions, and when I woke the next morning, I was just fine. I didn't have to deal with that kind of terror ever again. See? I didn't need medication! Just Jesus. Since then, I have had a few run ins with fear, mostly of the worrying variety. but the couple of times it was the irrational kind, I took one wise man's advice and ignored it, and it did go away. I just have to remember to keep my eyes on Jesus. We really can rest in Him, if we choose to. We can't trust Him if we don't give Him the chance to be trustworthy. So now I am victorious in Christ, and it is all because I finally laid on my back!